Untitled Post #2
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED - VIOLENCE AND EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE THEMES:
None of the content seen here reflects any real-life persons, events, or ideas. This is purely, satirical storytelling.
I’m excited to share yet another snippet from this book twelve years in the making. This was a recent chapter I had shamefully written not too terribly long ago. The main character, Bobby Dobby is a terrible person, if not the absolute worst in the world; so I want to make it clear that at no point should you ever feel any sympathy for Bobby.
Long ago, Bobby Dobby was created and designed to depict everything wrong with man. His entire existence is to signify failure, deviance, bigotry, and loser-idium. If you want to call him the antichrist you can. There are plenty of chapters written to back that theory up.
Please enjoy this very obscene chunk-of-chapter from a book that should never be published or hopefully ever see the light of day.
Sadly it probably will. Okay here it is:
Today, Bobby Dobby was a city man. Bobby had decided to take the day off despite being unemployed. It was after his 72-hour pillage of the Eleven Lords that Bobby felt the strange desire to go do something else. Never in his whole life had he ever felt the urge to do anything else other than play Battle Quest. He acted on this frightening feeling.
Bobby pleasantly walked the streets of Seattle, soaking in the scenic views and atmosphere of the city. Bobby drank coffee, fed the ducks, and pushed someone off the Space Needle. It was truly a productive day.
As Bobby’s legs grew tired of walking, he decided it would be more efficient and effective to take the city's metro. Aggressively pushing people out of his way, Bobby descended underground to the train terminal and approached the ticket booth to receive his train pass. As he approached the ticket line, the booth worker looked down, unfortunately making heavy eye contact with Bobby.
“How can I help you?”
Bobby smiled and couldn’t return the eye contact. After the 14 seconds of silence passed, finally, Bobby slowly let out a meek “Hello.” He continued with, “I would like to purchase a train ticket. Every second I wait the angrier I’ll get.”
“Ok sir, what station are you trying to reach?”
“Gayvenclaw.” Bobby said.
Trying to satisfy Bobby's needs as fast as possible, the worker replied, “I haven't heard of that station? Are you sure that's correct?”
“Oh sorry, that's from my game,” Bobby retorted.
Without skipping a beat or explaining any further, Bobby continued.
“Did you know that farming moblets can bring you to max level sparring in only 18 hours?” He said in a declaration, automatically assuming the worker knew what he was talking about. Bobby’s hands and face were pressed up against the glass, he was drooling and mouth breathing profusely onto the plastic separator. The ticket worker watched with a blank expression as the divider slowly fogged up.
“Is there another station you’d like to reach?” The worker said nervously, his previously calm demeanor quickly shifted to anxious worry.
Now Bobby glared deeply into the worker’s eyes. “Yes.” Bobby whispered, grinning an evil, treacherous grin that reminded the onlooking worker of the devil and screaming souls.
A moment later, and now possessing a ticket, Bobby walked to the platform to begin waiting for his train. The entire time he was thinking about his seating arrangement. There was no way he was going to stand while the other, less important riders got to sit down. This was seriously beginning to stress him out. The thought of not being able to sit down on the train was making his stomach hurt.
“Oh geez.” Bobby whimpered, clutching his belly. He had to shit.
The best thing to do would be to go to the bathroom and ride the next train. This would mean Bobby would have to wait an additional 7 minutes. Bobby rationalized the situation and decided to do just that. He was actually going to wait for the next train.
Bobby clutched his butt and trotted to the men’s room. Without hesitation, he kicked open one of the bathroom stalls to reveal a man, butt-naked, already using the toilet. He was panting, sweating and all his clothes were on the floor in an effort to cool himself down.
Bobby stared for a little and then in the same fashion, proceeded to kick open another door right next to the man. Success! He quickly pulled his pants down and released a fiery explosion of lava.
While Bobby was relieving himself, another person had entered the bathroom. It was none other than Deuce Brogan, the biggest jock of them all.
Unknowingly, Bobby continued shitting. Back in school, Deuce would viciously bully Bobby and kids like him every day. Deuce was simply washing his hands in the sink when suddenly Bobby flushed the toilet. With a relieved look on his face, Bobby walked out of the stall only to see Deuce standing there in the mirror. Deuce looked up from his hands and immediately recognized him. Bobby tried to run, but Deuce grabbed a hold of his shirt. He lifted Bobby up for a better look.
“Well, well, well. Looks like I caught a mouse. Where do you think you're going to pipsqueak?” Deuce laughed villainously.
He threw Bobby against the bathroom wall. Bobby’s body crashed against the concrete, and then slowly curled up like a squashed spider.
“Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” Bobby trembled from the floor.
“I heard you’ve been playing Battle Queef. You like playing Battle Queef you fucking loser?” Deuce said before slamming Bobby’s head against one of the toilets.
Bobby had got to his feet, and right before he was about to say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”, Deuce had pulled both his pants and underwear all the way down.
Bobby's 1CM penis was exposed. The dim fluorescent light twitched.
Oh, but Deuce wasn’t done. When it came to bullying, it was never enough. He needed more. Bobby just stood there, attempting to pull his shirt down, trying to cover himself. Deuce was craving for more.
He slowly reached into his back pocket and pulled out a switchblade. He brandished the knife before the quaking Bobby Dobby.
“I call her Luna, like the moon,” Deuce said, tapping his fingertip on the blade's edge. Bobby Dobby had no idea why the two things correlated. “Why don’t you two get to know each other a little better?”
Thinking fast, Bobby quickly grabbed the stall door of the man who was already in there pooping, and swung it outward, slamming it into Deuce’s face.
“OW!” Deuce cried out in a muffled yelp.
Deuce dropped his knife, and Bobby broke for his escape. Forgetting that his pants and underwear were both securely around his ankles, Bobby fell forward and landed flat on his stomach.
Deuce grabbed at his own face. His nose was bleeding and gushing blood everywhere. Bobby scrambled on the floor to free himself from his trousers. He squirmed his way out of his pant sleeves and sprinted for the bathroom exit.
Bobby was now running, completely naked from the waist down throughout the terminal. Without a plan in mind, Bobby was only helplessly running away.
As he began to approach his platform, Bobby tripped again over his own foot; sending him flying across the pavement. He skid across the ground, sanding the skin on his hip and buttcheek like the cumulative weathering of the Grand Canyon over 1000 years. He clumsily rolled into the side of a passing train, only for his flaccid penis and testicles to get deeply lodged in one of the vehicle’s support beams. The train rushed past the platform, fiercely yanking and throwing Bobby into the corner of the subway station. He smashed into the stone wall. He screamed like a helpless peasant who was getting tortured, only wanting it to stop. Due to the train’s velocity, his balls were snapped off his scrotum almost immediately as if they were cut with hedge clippers. Bobby wept, crying from his chest, his stomach, his soul. He felt in a shrieking instant his soft tissue break down as his shaft stretched to be as long as 45 yards, as effortlessly as saltwater taffy is made at the amusement park. It looked like 135 feet of unrolled toilet paper. The pain was unbelievable. It just kept on pulling and pulling, ensuring permanent damage. He instantly knew this would be one of the worst days of his entire life and he rued the day.
Then he blacked out.
